It's been a long time since I have posted to this blog, but I have decided to start blogging again. My decision was partly motivated by my surprise at how many people have read (and seem to continue to be reading) this blog. It is truly humbling to know that so many people have found my comments and thoughts of some interest or assistance in their own BDSM journeys.
In updating this blog I should start with an update of "where am I now" and for me this is the hardest part. Truth be told, the difficulty in writing this blog post has caused me time and time again to delay writing it.
It is with incredible sadness that I confess that I am not currently Master Jonathan's slave. The circumstances in which my servitude with Master Jonathan ended where not graceful or dignified and the fault is entirely mine. It is something which, despite Master Jonathan's repeated statements of forgiveness, I still feel overwhelmingly guilty and regretful about.
In May last year I simply stopped talking to Master Jonathan for a period: my conduct was reprehensible and I still tear myself up inside about it. By way of explanation rather than justification, it was a very stressful and busy time in my life. I was finishing of my dissertation for my postgraduate degree and was under considerable stress. I was also in the process of finding a new job in the UK and the job hunt was not going well (and was ultimately unsuccessful). A combination of these two factors made me withdraw defensively into myself. Once I had finished my degree and my job search became more desperate, I found myself unable to function as a proper slave. Ultimately economic circumstances intervened and I left the UK and moved back to Australia.
The way I handled things with Master Jonathan was terrible. This Master was nothing but kindness and generosity to me and I feel so awful at how disloyal and selfish I was. Master Jonathan and I have spoken since and I think (know) we are on good times. But this is something I will always feel terrible about.
Master-slave relationships are never easy because no matter how much you may at heart be a slave or at heart be a Master, we are all fundamentally people. We have lives which we cannot divorce from the reality of the world around us and Masters and slaves are affected by social and economic circumstances like everyone else.
When all is said and done, true Master-slave relationships are human relationships. They are built on trust, friendship, care, passion and love and all the other bundle of emotions that BDSM often likes to deny or suppress. It's these emotions and the memories of wonderful times shared that mean, more than a year later, I still feel a sense of guilt. It also means I miss my Master dearly. Yes I completely regret what I did, and yes I totally wish I could have handled it better. The practical outcome may have been the same (that is, I moved away) but it could have been done so much better.
As a slave I am not accustomed to the idea of severing the Master-slave relationship. To be honest, the idea of slave leaving a Master sits uncomfortably with me. Practical reality aside, I think it is for the Master to terminate the slave's service.
This blog post is my public apology to Master Jonathan. It has taken a year for me to write it, but it has been a year of thoughtful and painful reflection. I am so sorry Master.
In another blog post I will talk more about my current life, but for now I think it is most appropriate to belatedly provide the conclusion to the most important and eye-opening period of my life in slavery. Words can never adequately express how much Master Jonathan means to me: he shared my life for just under six months, but he totally changed my world. I will never forget that.
