Today is my first full day as an owned slave in the vanilla world. It feels quite strange and quite sad not to be with Master and already i feel like i miss Him immensely. Thankfully it is only a week now until i see him again!
Readjusting to the vanilla world has been a little bit more difficult than what i thought it would be. Arriving back in London, one of the first things i did after changing was to put deodorant back on! As much as i enjoy being product free with Master and living a much more simple routine with Master, i enjoy using products and the like in the vanilla world as they help me create my different personas. The other thing i find difficult is that i keep having to remind myself not to call everyone "Sir" ... a habit from spending time with Master is that i want to add Sir into every conversation.
i had a rather restless night and woke up a few times feeling disorientated - i'm already missing the security of the slave space in Master's house. It also felt strange to use the toilet normally again!
Today i am back in the Archives and back focused on my research; but i feel very much like the owned slave i am. Wearing my collar and chastity device i have a sense of Master's ownership with me at all times. The experience i had with Master is very much at the forefront of my mind and i feel a great sense of happiness, tranquility and relief.
Last night Master gave me permission to read the blog of one of His former slaves who is no longer in Master's service. i was aware of this former slave both from Master's conversations and also from Master's blog. Before reading the blog i had mixed feelings towards this particular slave and to be honest my feelings were not resolved by reading the slave's blog.
On the one hand i feel a degree of sympathy for this slave who, it seems, has had difficulties in his life that i have not had to deal with. i have sympathy for him as he searches for what he is looking for. On the other hand however, i feel a degree of animosity towards the slave, primarily based on the way i feel he treated my Master, particularly due to the manner in which he left my Master's service and also for the way he disrespected my Master with certain forms of dishonesty. Having met with Master, i am more impressed than ever before with Master as a person who is kind, gentle and extremely generous. Part of me feels that this slave disrespected these wonderful qualities in my Master and this upsets me.
Structurally i noticed the blog was quite different from mine and whereas i have endeavoured to post daily; this other slave's blog has significant time lags which means that parts of the story remain unsaid and unvoiced.
Reading the blog from start to finish prompted a different mixture of emotions in my mind as well. And some of these emotions actually surprised me a little. Some of the initial posts, particularly the post about this slave's first meeting with Master i found hurtful and made me feel jealous. In particular, the facts that this slave had both shared Master's bed and that Master had "kissed" him. Considering the latter first, Master has "kissed" me on the forehead, but i could not help but wondering whether Master had kissed this other slave on the lips. On the former, i felt hurt that this slave had shared Master's bed whereas i had slept in the slave space.
Deconstructing these emotions however, i realise how illogical they are. Firstly, i firmly believe that a slave should not kiss his Master (on the mouth that is) and that a slave should not share his Master's bed and i am aware that Master agrees with this. Such intimacy between Master and slave can lead to a fundamental breakdown in the Master-slave relationship which can be very difficult to repair and overcome. Secondly, i think this slave had other issues or concerns which made him require Master's affection in a different way to me and i should not begrudge that.
What it also important is that the relationship Master had with this slave was first in time, and therefore the lessons Master learnt in that relationship are obviously bearing fruit in my relationship with Master.
A Master can have many slaves but a slave can only have one Master. A challenge for the loyal and devoted slave is seeing his Master interact with other slaves and subs. i am looking forward to this.
Towards Master's earlier slave, my principal feeling is one of disappointment that they were not able to seize the wonderful opportunities that Master provided. i hope he is however happy and content with his current circumstances in life. For me, reading this earlier blog has only served to highlight and strengthen the views i already held of my Master and to emphasis His excellent qualities.
My momentary feeling of jealousy has passed: Master has showered me with warmth and affection; i know that Master values me and cares for me a great deal. And so do i towards Master. The relationship i have with Master is based on something fundamental and tangible and it is something that is already valuable to me.
Furthermore, having known that Master has been let down in the past, it makes me more determined to be a dedicated and devoted slave to Master and to give him the respect and service He so richly deserves.
Thinking about kissing further, i am hopeful that if Master allows other slaves and subs to serve him, i might be allowed to kiss them. The truth of the matter is that i do enjoy kissing very much (it's actually one of my absolute favourite sexual activities) and something that i will miss very much. Being a slave does involve sacrifices and some of those sacrifices are easier to make than others - i think it is only natural that a slave will sometimes miss certain things that he has surrendered control over.
The realisation this morning that i may have to go for months without kissing (as in "French kissing") is quite a sad and disappointing realisation. And just so i am absolutely crystal clear this not a reverse-pyschology attempt to persuade Master to kiss me because that is not what i want or seek. Master cannot kiss me because we are not equal - He is my superior and i am His slave. What i am commenting on however, that sometimes a slave has to surrender his right to undertake activities or things which he enjoys because they are incompatible with his new role as a slave. Optimistically though, i hope Master may allow me to kiss other slaves and subs for they are at least on my level.
More than twenty-four hours after leaving Master's control i have no regrets and am relishing my service to Master. i simply cannot wait to be back at Master's feet, in Master's house and to serve him again.
Right now, i feel like i am a slave and i am loving it.
