** 1st day chaste **
My chastity is going well and I am enjoying the feeling of being locked up. A bit similar to yesterday, I don't feel as horny at the moment as I usually do and I wonder if my body is self-adjusting to the chastity device. I think in someways knowing that I cannot cum means I intend to relax more. There is limited value in looking at porn or anything like that because I know I cannot masturbate!
In terms of daily life, I am finding that I am coping well with chastity. I still feel that the device is a bit too large, particularly the A-ring, and I think that in the future I will need to get a smaller A-ring for the device, just to make it absolutely secure. I have decided to hold off on getting this done immediately because the device is sufficiently secure at the moment, plus if I have to send the device back to Germany, I might as well have the PA attachment included in the device at the same time, and I want to see what Master's decision is on this. I have by and large stopped worrying about the device and I have now adjusted my daily life to comfortably wearing the device. Perhaps not unsurprisingly the most difficult thing to do in chastity is rowing: because of the way I am sitting in the boat, and the way the device naturally falls, it's hard to avoid hitting the device when I "tap down" on the stroke, so it is uncomfortable, but given I do not mind CBT it is not totally uncomfortable!
I spend a fair bit of time thinking about what the first meeting with Master will be like and also what Master will be like in person. I am fortunate that I have had the opportunity now to speak to Master on the phone and I do enjoy speaking with Master because I feel we are able to cover a lot more ground than we can on MSN. I also feel that it is (perhaps obviously) more conversational to speak with Master and more of a natural dialogue.
One of the hard things at the moment is that our first meeting is still approximately 11 days away and I am finding the suspense rather frustrating! I am obviously keen to meet Master because I am realistic enough to know that a great deal depends on the first meet and I desperately want it to be successful. I have never felt this excited and this committed to a meet before. I worry that I am investing too much into it and, to be honest, this makes me nervous because I worry that I will be devastated if it doesn't work out. I think by nature I am a rather emotional person. This does not mean that I'm always in tears or that I frequently lose my composure, but rather that I do not hide my emotions, particularly from my close friends or family. If I am happy, I will laugh and be happy; if I'm sad or depressed I'll weep, if I'm angry I'll show it and if I'm excited my enthusiasm tends to shine through!
At this very moment, I am very happy and very comfortable with Master and how things are going. I feel that things have never gone this well before and I feel that Master and I are on the same page on so many things. The only downside to this is my worry at how things will go and how I will feel if Master does not like me or decides not to keep me. I know it sounds negative, but this is my primary fear at the moment. I am of course remaining optimistic and hopeful that all will go well. I think in some ways though, for a slave, the fear of rejection is perhaps the greatest fear of all, because if the slave is rejected and has no Master to serve, he is of limited value; and the reality of that is that it does strike at the very heart of one's self worth.
On a much brighter note, Master has given me excellent cause for my optimism. No Master before has been this dedicated and this available prior to a meet. I also have Master's word that he is keen to own me and this carries enormous weight for me . The fact that Master has been willing to post clothing and uniforms to me encourages my optimism, not to mention the fact that Master has invested in a collar for me to wear in the vanilla world.
On reflection, I have decided that while I must be reasonable, to ignore any negative doubts and to embrace the situation fully and with confidence. I have always been an optimistic person and I will face this new situation with optimism. I believe Master knows how much I am committed to him and I believe he is committed to me, so with that in mind, I am throwing my (hopefully irrational) worries to one side, confident in my optimism that Master will both like me and be keen for me to serve in the future.
In feeling confident and comfortable with this situation, I have one particular tool that unfortunately Master does not have: Master's own blog. I have invested some time in reading Master's blog and have been attempting to read through all the entries back to the start. Reading the blog is informative and tells me a lot about Master and the experiences that Master has had in looking for a slave. If anything, reading Master's blog only increases my desire and determination to be a worthy slave that Master will want to own.
I have enjoyed reading about how Master has responded to different slaves and I think this demonstrates how perceptive and aware Master is. Master understand the different needs and insecurities that different slaves and subs may have.
For me, a good example of this is how Master has handled his initial meetings with some of the slaves and subs he has met. I see that for same of his (perhaps younger?) subs or slaves Master has usually began with coffee or a drink and more casual conversation which ultimately leads to submission if the sub or slave wants it. I believe the initial meeting between Master and slave is incredibly important, and one of the reasons why I am keen to discuss it so often with Master in our chats and conversations. For me, the initial meeting with a Master can destroy the dynamic immediately and one of the things I particularly like about Master is that he understands this.
As I understand it, my initial meeting with Master will be on the train station platform or train station and that at that initial meeting Master will put on my collar which I am to wear when I am with him. For me, this will be important and significant in demonstrating my changed status from being in a situation where I have to be mindful of myself to some degree to being in a situation where I have now surrendered total control.
In my view, and thinking about my own personal circumstances, there is nothing worse than meeting a Master and the Master wanting the initial meet to be a coffee and chat and then something may happen afterwards because I feel this is totally contradictory to the Master-slave relationship. Master and I cannot and will not ever be able to meet on "equal" terms because I am not equal to Master (and for that matter, Master's friends and acquittances). I have no doubt - and in fact I seriously hope - that over time Master may come to know me very well, Master may become fond of me and perhaps even love me; but Master will do so as a Master. And I will come to know, serve and worship Master, but I will do so as a slave.
This is why, for me, the initial meeting is all so important. It establishes the dynamic and the relationship from the outset. By collaring me and placing me in immediate control, I know that Master acknowledges and even respects me as a slave. Likewise by accepting Master's collar and control, Master knows immediately that I am a slave. Immediately from that point on I am accepting Master's control and following Master's commands.
I know that to an outside reader, the view that I have put forward above my seem rather narrow and intense. My reply to this would probably be that I have this view because of age and experience. I am not an 18 or 19 year-old making their first tentative steps into the BDSM world; nor am I nervous about BDSM generally (in contrast I am extremely excited about it!). Rather, I know that I am slave and I know this is what I want. I do not need to fumble around with a "getting to know you coffee" because I already know the sort of Man Master is. And I believe Master knows the sort of boy and slave I am.
If I have to break down into specifics what I am looking forward to most about my first meeting with Master; it is two things. Firstly, I am looking forward to being in Master's physical presence; and secondly, I am looking forward to being able to simply sink to my knees (or whatever position Master orders) and to take his collar and to know I have surrendered all control. That for the next four days my world and my universe is focused only on Master; on serving Master and being there for Master's pleasure and convenience. That is what I am looking forward to on the first meeting.
In addition to serving Master, the other thing I am looking forward to in something that Master and I have not spoken so much about that, and that is the actual bondage and general BDSM activities I will be able to do with Master. One of the things that I am particularly excited about, is the opportunity to do BDSM on a more regular basis and more intensely. Because I trust Master, I am looking forward to being able to simply relax as Master pushes my limits and gives me new experiences. Given I will be serving Master for days at a time, rather than in a session of a matter of hours, it becomes feasible to be able to do long-term restraint and bondage and I am looking forward to this!
To sum up this post: I am and continue to be so happy. Already I feel that Master has become such an important aspect of my life. Yes, I have doubts and worries that Master may reject me; but I have these worries because Master has already come to mean something to me and I do not want to lose that. But I feel justified in pushing these doubts aside as Master has shown nothing but commitment to me and I am so thrilled with this. On so many things - both major and minor - Master and I have a similar viewpoint and I know that I will relish his strict control.
Right now, I feel like I am such a lucky, lucky slave that Master is giving me this opportunity.
Second Post
I have just spent the last three hours or so comprehensively reading Master's blog from the initial posts in "Random Thoughts" chronologically through to the very last post on 12 March 2011 and it was fascinating reading.
I feel like I have a much better understanding of Master and the search he has been undertaking. I particularly the extract below:
One of the difficulties of arranging and keeping current this sort of relationship is the management of the initial encounter, coming as it does after a virtual reality into the real reality. Most bois fail at this stage. Make no mistake: it is not an easy thing to do, to place your trust in someone you have only heard or seen through a technological veil, insulating you from the demands of a real live Master, someone who wants to control you to please Him. Yet, that is why you made contact in the first place. So, it revolves around trust. Trust that you won't be hurt or scarred, trust that you will be treated well and sensibly. And that's what it's all about: placing your trust in your Master.
I think this quote summarises exactly one of the principal difficulties of BDSM relationships, although I would add, with the greatest possible respect, that sometimes the Master does not like the reality of actually exercising day-to-day control as well.
Knowing Master has expressed his thoughts above, I am even more optimistic that my search and Master's search may have joint, mutually satisfactory outcomes.
Finally, I had not really considered so much Master's commitment to sailing, but I see that sailing and the sea is a big part of Master's life. It will be enjoyable to work with Master on his boats (if he wants me to of course) and I have never been sailing though I would love to try it. I have a rather nice image of myself in chastity with only denim bid overalls - barefoot - helping with manual labour. For me, a world away from my vanilla life and experiences.
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