Friday, 1 April 2011

** 5th day chaste **

This is my first blog post for April. Starting a new month is a good opportunity for reflection on how much i feel my life has changed in just one month.

Since the start of March i recommenced communication with Master, plunged into slavery at a far deeper level than ever before, met Master, was collared and have plans for a second meeting. So much has happened and it has all run perfectly. i could not possibly be happier!

Today has been a rather quiet day, so far i have been out to the National Archives to do some research on my dissertation and then off to the BFI LGBT Film Festival this afternoon. The film i saw (by myself) was called "The House of Boys" and was quite a moving film about the early onset of AIDS in Amsterdam in the early 1980s. There had been some controversy over the film for the dramatic portrayal of the effect of AIDS in the film; but i thought it was well done. The love between the two boys was well-portrayed on screen.

Earlier in the day before leaving the Archives i had looked at some files regarding military punishment of homosexual activities amongst soldiers in World War II, so i feel like so far i have had a bit of an emotional day! Although sad and moving, it is important, in my opinion, for the queer community to embrace and remember it's history and to remember how far we come in our struggle for equality and acceptance and the struggles to come.

Political statements and oratory aside, i feel like i do not really have that much to say today about my slavery. i am starting to feel very comfortable with my position as a slave and i am noticing much more that my focus and thoughts turn to Master's pleasure and comfort rather than my own. For example, despite the constant reminder of my chastity that my device provides, i do not really think about cumming all that much; but what i do think about is sucking Master, swallowing Master's cum, and what it would be like to feel Master fuck me.

The remarkable thing about chastity, in my opinion, is how quickly the body can adjust to it - or perhaps that is a slave perception! Once accepted that i have no control over my own body and in particular no ability to masturbate, it is interesting how one no longer really thinks about it. Whereas once masturbation would have been a regular activity in my day, i find i no longer think about it or even particularly desire it. Of course there are moments of weakness, such as when watching the film this afternoon there was a masturbation scene and i thought, 'gosh it feels like ages since i wanked'; but other than this one learns not to think about it.

Since Master ordered me to start keeping this blog, i have looked at other blogs on the internet that deal with BDSM and have become quite intrigued by a number of them. Blogging is actually quite new to me and less than a month a go i was not particularly sure what blogging entailed!

Some of the blogs i have looked at are focused on chastity and i find it amusing how the writers of these blogs seem so focused on not being able to cum and write about how painful it is or how their balls feel so full, or something similar in that vein. i cannot relate to these feelings at all and when i discussed it with DL nor could he. For a true slave, once control is surrendered to a Master, the mental aspect of chastity actually seems to settle in quite quickly. At the moment i could not possibly even think about cumming without Master's permission; but more to the point, i do not feel like cumming without Master's permission.

During my visit with Master, Master kindly let me cum on the first night (the Sunday night), every day of the visit right up until Wednesday i hoped that he would let me cum again but he did not. Once i was back on the train heading to London i simply did not think about cumming, because i knew i would not be cumming until at least next Thursday when i see Master again.

Of course while i was with Master i felt like cumming all the time, and feeling was probably partially motivated by the fact that cumming was a realistic possibility because i was in Master's presence. i never asked Master of course; because that would be inappropriate. The focus of my time with Master is completely on Master's life and pleasure, not on my pleasure. If i am able to cum, it is only because it pleases Master and gives Master pleasure that i cum.

On the broader question of chastity in daily life, i find it perfectly comfortable to wear the chastity device. The only time i ever really feel like uncomfortable is the semi-regular mornings where i wake up with an attempted erection and the device is painfully twisted around my balls or something like that. During the day i have no real problem. With Master i have tried both the Steelworxx metal device which i wear when away from Master and the Birdlock device which i wear with Master; both are perfectly comfortable. My personal preference is for the Steelworxx when away from Master (because i feel the metal is more hygienic) and the Birdlock with Master (because the plastic is more comfortable to wear when i am naked and without support) but i will wear whatever Master desires.

In my life at the moment, i feel so comfortable and so content with Master making all the relevant decisions that need to be made. Obviously i still have to make some decisions for myself, particularly in the vanilla world, but even in the vanilla world i find myself happily and readily surrendering to Master's control and direction. Obeying Master and following his orders gives me a great sense of pleasure and purpose.

i also derive great pleasure from knowing that i belong to my Master and that my Master is pleased to own me. Now that my Recon profile has been amended to reflect Master's ownership, i like it that i can politely refer all other Masters to my Master for answers to their requests. And i am also comfortable with doing whatever Master orders in this regard, because i trust that Master will not order me to do something that i am not capable of.

One Master on Recon asked me recently whether i was "exclusive" to my Master or not. In some ways a very obvious question, it was also quite an interesting question for me. The short answer is "yes of course" - i would never dream of doing anything with another Master (or sub or vanilla for that matter) and while i'm in chastity such a thing is impossible anyway. But that's not a complete answer, because although i would never initiate a hook-up or another meet, if Master wanted me to meet another Master or serve another Master for a casual session i would do so without question. Why? Because in serving or meeting another Master, i would be following my Master's orders. That is why i as a slave must direct all other Masters to speak with my Master: only my Master can decide what i can and cannot do and the terms on which i do it. And then my Master will inform me of what is to happen.

Similarly with other slaves or subs: if Master wanted me to meet with or talk to another boy He was considering, i would gladly do so. My loyalty to my Master is absolute and unquestioning, so therefore to be able to assist Him determine whether He wanted to have another sub or slave around would be an honour.

i wear my Master's collar with pride and happiness; in all aspects of my life i am determined to please, honour and assist Him in anyway i can. i would be lying if i did not acknowledge something very fundamental that i also get out of the slavery. Amongst the many things that Master's service gives me, one of them is freedom. Freedom to not have to worry about certain aspects of life and the freedom of knowing that certain decisions will be made for me and all i have to do is accept. To return to the Recon profile question, serving Master removes me from having to worry about responding to other requests and the like, for all of this i leave solely to Master. Likewise, the question of whether i have a PA is left solely to Master. my mind is thus freed to focus solely on Master.

i started this post by thinking i did not really have that much to say but i think in the end i had more to say than what i thought i did! Admittedly my creative thoughts were spurred by checking my profile for the first time since i updated it and seeing my messages, but there you go - inspiration lies everywhere. :-)