Saturday, 2 April 2011

** 6th day chaste **

i am writing this post quite late at night and i am rather tired! i have finally arrived back home and am back in my college. It feels like an eventful two weeks in both London and with Master and this my arrival back in town was rather busy: a catch-up and dinner with A, my closest friend in the UK, and then a catch-up with DL and a big discussion about life with Master and my first visit to Master and then a rather long skype conversation with my parents.

Earlier today in London i went to the Borough Markets and then to the BFI for the LGBT Film Festival with a friend, so all in all, a lovely Saturday spent with friends and talking to family. The Film Festival inspired some thoughts in me and i want to discuss and elaborate on those further on this blog, but i think i will wait until tomorrow when i am feeling fresher and more alert.

The most important thing that happened today however was that Master and i had our first "thing". i am not really sure what to call this "thing" because it was not really a disagreement or anything like that, but rather a misunderstanding that was quickly resolved.

Earlier this afternoon while on the DLR heading to the train, i checked Master's blog to see whether He had updated it. i check Master's blog quite regularly (usually at least 2 or 3 times a day) so whenever Master has an update i am normally able to read them quite soon after. When i checked Master's blog this afternoon, i saw that Master had posted quite a lovely post about His ownership of me, but Master had also included a pic of me which i felt had my face quite visible.

One of the absolute conditions of my slavery is no face pictures. This rule is something i have always maintained and although for a time i had a face picture on my recon profile, i was careful to ensure it was a non-BDSM picture. This rule is to protect both my career and professional reputation and also for those with whom i have worked in the past.

The picture Master posted of me had part of face obscured and blurred, but i felt that it was still quite recognisable as me. My initial reaction was to feel mortified, followed by anger and hurt. i was angry and hurt that an identifiable picture of me was on the internet (from which it is very difficult to ever properly remove images) and also for myself for not being clear enough about the face picture rule with Master. To be honest, i also felt rather aggrieved because i felt that i had had a specific conversation with Master about discretion given my prior work history and i felt Master had understood how significant this was for me.

Within minutes of noticing the picture i had txted Master about the issue and to His utmost credit, Master immediately removed the picture.

For me, i felt the situation was quite devastating; for my entire trip on the Underground (from one end of London to the other) and then the train trip back home i could think of little else. The whole situation played on my mind: i felt hurt and disappointed. For me, it felt that Master had not understood something that was so significant and so important to me, and that made me feel quite worried.

The rational part of my mind, however, acknowledged that it was a misunderstanding: i felt it was out of character for Master to do something like this to me; and i acknowledged that Master had attempted to blur out part of my face. It felt so out of character because Master had always acted towards me with kindness and care; as i have previously commented, Master is a true gentleman. This evening in conversation, DL suggested that perhaps Master did what he did in an effort to push or expand one of my perceived limits; but i do not think this is so. i had (and still have) the clear impression Master understand this rule is not a condition or limit on which i wish to be pushed.

When i arrived home i still felt quite agitated and i thought the best approach would be to talk to Master. Hearing Master's voice on the phone, i knew i had done exactly the right thing in calling. Just hearing Master's voice automatically felt better. Master explained that He had acted immediately - even though at work - to remove the photo and for this i am extremely grateful. Master was apologetic and extremely understanding; and my mind set at ease.

So what i have i learnt from this experience? The Master-slave relationship - like any other relationship - involves both good times and bad times. No matter how devoted the slave is; and no matter how protecting and empathetic the Master; it is impossible for two human minds to agree and understand every issue the same way. What happened was a simple misunderstanding. The way both Master and i handled it however, was a demonstration of the strength and the commitment of our Master-slave relationship.

From the slave perspective, i felt that i approached the issue sensibly and respectfully: in my txt and conversation with Master i think i certainly let Master know my emotive state and how i felt; but i also addressed Master respectfully as "Sir" and using the correct grammar. From the Master perspective, Master immediately acknowledged my concern and acted upon it. In doing what He did, Master demonstrated that the care of me - His slave - was His number one concern and that, for me, was truly moving.

DL asked me whether this affected my trust in Master. my response, was that the whole experience actually enhanced my trust and faith in Master. The crucial thing was not the misunderstanding that occurred; but two other things:

(1) The fact that Master had created a safe and secure environment such that when i had a genuine issue, i felt no hesitation in raising it with Master directly. In other words, Master had created a relationship where i felt i could be completely honest and open with Master;

(2) Having raised my issue with Master, Master immediately acted upon it and acted to reassure me and comfort me. Master demonstrated that it was His priority and was actively concerned for the interests of His slave.

i hope the most important thing that Master and i can take from this experience is that already our relationship is strong and secure. A slave must trust his Master completely and i trust my Master completely. i know now that if i ever have a fear, doubt, question etc i can raise it openly and honestly with Master.

i wear my Master's collar with pride. My Master is a "Master" in the true sense of the word: He is a Master that slave can rely on always; He is a Master that i know i can trust to act honestly and genuinely in my best interests. i have said before how lucky i am to have Master in my life and i repeat those comments again.

Trust is one of the most important elements in the Master-slave relationship and i am proud to state clearly and without reservation that i trust my Master. We survived our first test and i believe our relationship is all the stronger for it.